Throughout the life of your typical American male, New Year’s Eve takes many forms. Here are the common stages of New Year’s Eve, as celebrated by boys, men and, eventually, dads.
Childhood: Excited To Stay Up Until Midnight
When you’re a kid, the most exciting part of New Year’s Eve is the fact that, gasp, you get to stay up all night. It seems so forbidden, which makes the night extremely exciting. All dads start off as kids, and all kids are excited about the night for this very reason. But soon, kids progress to…
Teenage Years: Secretly Sneaking Booze With Friends
Yes, most guys pulled this move in their teenage years. They won’t talk about it, but they’ll wink to their kids about how they’re going to check the levels on the liquor bottles on New Year’s Day.
College: Party At Whoever’s Parents are Away
Again, this is something that all dads will have to eventually deal with when their kids are in college, but since everyone is back home for Christmas break, and they’ve got at least one friend whose parents go away for some sort of holiday trip, it’s really the best option to party like it’s 1999 (as opposed to whatever year it actually is).
Single Post-College Years: Should Be A House Party But Actually Will Be An Expensive Bar Package
A practical young man will find a house party, which is statistically the best option for a New Year’s party, but before dad meets mom, he is determined to spend New Year’s out on the town, and that will entail dropping like $100 for unlimited drinks at a bar that will be extremely crowded and extremely loud.
After Meeting Mom, Pre-Kids: Should be a House Party, Actually IS A House Party
These are the parties where dad can say things like, “Oh your mother and I used to know how to party back in the day, let me tell you about New Year’s Eve, 2003.” These parties get classier as time goes by, often including things like charcuterie trays and theme cocktails. But then the kids come along, at which point…
Post-Kids Dad: House Party, But With Other Couples With Their Own Kids
This usually involves the parents upstairs getting drunk on wine while all the children go down to the basement to entertain themselves. This is around the point when their kids are extremely excited to stay up till midnight, while dad is ready to pass out by 11.
When Kids Are Teenagers And In College: Go To A Friend’s House, Try To Pretend They Don’t Know Their Kids Are Breaking Into Their Liquor Cabinet
They know exactly what their kids are doing, because they did that exact thing “back in their day,” but they’ll try to push it into the back of their mind and not think about it too much.
When Kids Are Out Of The House: Whatever They Want
Some dads at this stage want to go out and party each New Year, getting wine-drunk with their fellow empty nesters. But honestly, a lot of these dads will take the holiday off. Spend the night in, have a nice meal, and go to bed right after the ball drops. Or before. Whatever.
By this point, they’ll have long realized that there’s no point in putting too much pressure on New Year’s Eve, so they take it as just another day off of work. At the very most, they’ll probably wait till midnight just to shoot off a text to their kids, wishing them a happy New Year.