Before we get to the pigskin prognosticating, we’re posting a Want Ad for a friend who may or may not go by the name of Eli.
That aside, yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the solid gold predictions and lead-pipe locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.
• Chargers beat the Raiders. The San Diego team playing in LA beats the Oakland team headed to Las Vegas, making the man with the best Dad Bod ever (ex-Charger Dan Fouts) happy.
• One of dad’s kids will zing him for bringing up his gridiron glory days. “Yeah dad, back when they had leather helmets,” they’ll say. It will hurt.
• Adrian Peterson will break his longest run of the year vs. Tampa Bay. However, the 12-yard scamper will be his last positive gain of the day as the Arizona “Where old running backs go to die” Cardinals run him up the middle for no-gain 25 additional carries.
• You’re going to get stuck watching the game broadcast by Sam Rosen/David Diehl. With a lead announcer with a voice even more nasal than Ray Romano, and a still possibly concussed color guy, you’ll turn it off by the third quarter.
• Ben Roethlisberger leads the Steelers in tackles. Now an INT machine and learning from last week’s 5-pick performance, he brings down 6 KC defenders after they pilfer his pathetic passes.
• 2.5: Additional videos released showing Dolphins’ coach Chris Foerster enjoying an unnamed white substance dedicated to a member of the Nevada Women’s Adult Entertainment & Activism Association.
• 3: Number of fantasy football players dad will lose to injury.
• 2: Calls reversed after the announcers & in studio ref agree there’s not enough evidence to reverse the call on the field.
• 5: Lions players late for work Sunday after having too good a time on Bourbon St. Saturday night.
• 1.4/350: Average BAC and cholesterol level of all dads attending the Vikings/Packers game.