Before we get to the pigskin prognosticating, we’re posting a Want Ad for a friend who may or may not go by the name of Eli.
- NFL-quality wide receivers for an established professional football franchise in the greater New York area.
- Ability to run, preferably fast
- Ability to catch a football
- High School or GED-level education
- Restraint to not laugh at HC Bob McAdoo in meetings for looking like an adult film star
- Great benefits, starts immediately
That aside, yes, like most dads, we pretty much know everything, so here are the solid gold predictions and lead-pipe locks you can take right to the bank and cash ’em in.
• Chargers beat the Raiders. The San Diego team playing in LA beats the Oakland team headed to Las Vegas, making the man with the best Dad Bod ever (ex-Charger Dan Fouts) happy.
• One of dad’s kids will zing him for bringing up his gridiron glory days. “Yeah dad, back when they had leather helmets,” they’ll say. It will hurt.
• Adrian Peterson will break his longest run of the year vs. Tampa Bay. However, the 12-yard scamper will be his last positive gain of the day as the Arizona “Where old running backs go to die” Cardinals run him up the middle for no-gain 25 additional carries.
• You’re going to get stuck watching the game broadcast by Sam Rosen/David Diehl. With a lead announcer with a voice even more nasal than Ray Romano, and a still possibly concussed color guy, you’ll turn it off by the third quarter.
• Ben Roethlisberger leads the Steelers in tackles. Now an INT machine and learning from last week’s 5-pick performance, he brings down 6 KC defenders after they pilfer his pathetic passes.
• 2.5: Additional videos released showing Dolphins’ coach Chris Foerster enjoying an unnamed white substance dedicated to a member of the Nevada Women’s Adult Entertainment & Activism Association.
• 3: Number of fantasy football players dad will lose to injury.
• 2: Calls reversed after the announcers & in studio ref agree there’s not enough evidence to reverse the call on the field.
• 5: Lions players late for work Sunday after having too good a time on Bourbon St. Saturday night.
• 1.4/350: Average BAC and cholesterol level of all dads attending the Vikings/Packers game.