Nothing gets a dad more riled up than competitive sports at a family outing, other than maybe meeting a daughter’s new boyfriend or someone touching the damn thermostat. The combination of family rivalries, fresh outdoor air, and copious amounts of Budweiser make it that these seven sports, in particular, tend to get a bit heated when dads are involved.
If you find yourself in a game of dads playing softball, run. It’s a trap.
You’ve heard of dad strength, but dad SOFTBALL strength is terrifying. Every ball is launched 500 feet. The base path becomes a war zone. And you will somehow piss off your dad.
If you make a great play? “Where was that hustle last inning?” If you ground out to third? “Why don’t we sub in your mother for you, find someone who can actually hit the dang ball out of the infield.” God, what a nightmare.
Volleyball is secretly one of those sports that usually ends up with everyone getting mad. People either don’t call for the ball and let it drop, or they call for the ball and someone else tries to hit it anyway, and you lose the point.
No matter what happens, volleyball games at a family reunion are likely to end in a fight. That possibility goes to 100% when you have dads on competing sides, trying to spike every single ball hit to them (even though they can only jump, like, two inches), and just being a menace on the court.
When there’s a dad on the outdoor volleyball court, it’s madness.
Most people view cornhole, or bags, or “throw sacks at a lifted board with a hole in it” or whatever you call it regionally, as a laid back sport. It’s a sport in that you throw things, but it’s also one that you can play with a beer in your hand, so you’d think people would be pretty chill about it.
Dads are so not chill about cornhole.
To dads, cornhole is war. And that’s not just being dramatic, that’s something they will probably say as they’re down by three with the last shot. “This is war, son, don’t let your old man down.” Then your toss overshoots the mark and your dad screams in frustration. Good times.
If you’re in one of those “cool” families that plays beer pong at gatherings, you may think you’ve lucked out. Playing beer pong with your dad sounds like it should be hilarious. But it is not. It super is not.
Your dad will not know the rules, then will be mad when someone bounces one in (“why does that count as two!?”), and will get just a bit too intense about the whole affair. You better hope you win, or you’ll never hear the end of it.
Listen, we’re just going to put this out there. If you fall? Your dad will not stop. He will drag you. He will drag you until you reach the finish line. Maybe sit this one out.
Oh what’s that you’re saying? Charades is not a sport? Try telling dad that. He makes it a sport. It’s pretty much like that charades scene in The Simpsons when Milhouse’s dad tries to draw dignity, only less sad and more angry.
You had better hope that your family outing doesn’t try to get a game of dodgeball going, because if you play a game of dodgeball well, RIP you. Your tombstone will read, “Dad says I should have ducked.” Pure carnage.